“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time” -Thomas Edison

Posted on by Gabby

It’s been awhile. I’ve been drinking a ridiculous cocktail of self-management, stress, and school. This school year has been beautiful but right now I’m struggling. I am struggling so hard.

These past two weeks have proven to be, as I so eloquently phrased it, “me just getting shat on repeatedly with no ending in sight.” Oh yes, how I have a way with words. But, it feels so accurate. It feels like my heart and mind have been told to f*** off after giving and giving all they have. I wake up late for almost all of my morning classes, I scramble to get work done on time or blatantly don’t finish it (I’m looking at you English paper) and lately I’ve just felt like an all-around loser. I feel like I’m letting people down. I’m talking mom-sitting-you-down-and-saying-she’s-disappointed-in-your-actions-and-knows-you’re-better-than-this letting people down.

I’ve pulled 2 all-nighters in the last week, watched my homework assignments drift away from me like some cast away boat in the sea, and seen my patience drain. I’ve also seen a dear friend, mentor, and coach pass away. And life just doesn’t feel so peachy-keen right now. But, I guess I have some sort of point here (hopefully)? Although things may feel like total bogus right now, I do know a few things that I wouldn’t have known last year. I am loved and, although I do not feel I am worthy of love, I do have it. I have strength even though I feel as weak as cardboard. My anxiety does not mean I am failing and neither do these setbacks. Sometimes life can just suck big time. It can feel like a vicious domino effect of “Well, this couldn’t get worse”s accompanied by, “Ah I was wrong it just did”s. But for anyone feeling this way, I just want to let you know this:

We’re in this together. You’ve got a dysfunctional, but loving, friend in me. You are worthy of the space you take up (even if you’re like me and don’t feel you are) and you most certainly are doing your best at this point in your life. Hold steady as these metaphorical and physical crazy winds blow at us. We can get through this.

Thanks for stopping by.

 

“Sounds like something you could have blogged about…” -Anton Blender

Posted on by Gabby

I have been a terrible blogger. End of the semester madness got to me followed by hibernation and luncheons with lovely souls. But I’m back! How are you? Feel free to reply to this, oh I don’t know…. you’re favorite italian dish? Anyway, Gabby has been grand and third person is tacky so I’ll stop. This blog entry is going to cover the adventures of one overzealous Cardinal. Buckle up, kids.

The end of the school year was a moment of wonderful reflection. I’ll share some of those insights every budding 18-year-old college kids believes she possesses. I made a pretty stellar Facebook post I’m going to repost because:

A.) It’s my blog and I can (HAH)

B.) I honestly thought it was really honest and truthful

“Quizlets tabs are closed, textbooks are being returned, and everything is settling in. It’s been an amazing year. College has taught me quite a few things. Sometimes you fall off your bike (metaphorically and literally ((I’m very clumsy))) and you have to get back on, sometimes opportunities jump into your life that you didn’t even know you’d love, failures are a beautiful misfortune of life, and 8am math classes will never be a good idea. Stress eating is inevitable and sometimes you’ll be crying in a study lounge but your best friends will be there to help you get through it. After countless hours of Epsilon Sigma Alpha, theatre, elementary education, Hearing Voices, and roaming the night with some rad people I can truly say Ball State is my home. Chirp Chirp!”

God, this year was SO GREAT and SO STRESSFUL at the SAME TIME (I ALSO REALLY LIKE CAPS LOCK). Semi-adulthood is the best way I can describe myself right now. As in I have a credit score but also call my mom freaking out in the health center parking lots. And I can’t wait to do it all over again but as an RA.

Oh! So what is an RA? What is this mystical thing Gabby has added to her email signature (you heard that gang- I posses a signature. Like professors and lawyers). I’m going to be a Resident Assistant in a dorm next year. What this means is that, yes, I do enforce rules but I also foster a community within my hall (6th floor WHOOP) and building. I’ll put on hall events and serve as mentor and advisor for the ladies on my floor. It’s an incredibly stressful and rewarding job I can’t wait to embark on.

While I was at a grad party last week my highschool friend Lois told me, “College was made for you.” Honestly, that statement has really rang true. College is not only filled with learning how to be a teacher and person but making spur of the moment late night food runs, loud house parties containing people with stories waiting to be heard, and making stupid but important mistakes (waiting till Sunday to write a paper on the same day your big theatre project was due was probably not a good idea, Gabby) But, I absolutely adore it. Growing up is not easy, hell, I’m not even grown up yet! I had to ask my boyfriend what a button meant in my car the other day.

All-in-all, freshman year is checked off the never ending, “To Do” list that is life. I am currently working at the Y again and going through pasta withdrawal along with missing some amazing Ball Staters. I have a few more entries coming your way, so stay tuned.

Thanks for stopping by.

“Here are the values that I stand for: honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you want to be treated and helping those in need. To me, those are traditional values.” -Ellen DeGeneres

Posted on by Gabby

I grew up in theatre. From 5th grade onward I delved my way into a community of people that radiate acceptance. Gay, bisexual, transexual, genderfluid, and so many other sexualities, identities, and self expression. People are people. People are kind but people can also be cruel. Very, very, very cruel.

I grew up reading about slavery and discrimination against many cultures. This was wrong and bad. I vividly remember reading about a woman traveling to Canada to escape her slave master and there are now people moving to Canada or different states so they can be with the person they love. “No colored allowed” vs. “No gays allowed” History is jumping off the pages and it isn’t a new Mother Theresa or 21st century Gandhi. It is discrimination in a raw, legal form.

I grew up learning to love everyone. I grew up with gay friends and loved ones. And I never questioned it. Love is an inborn concept and hate is a taught one.

I am grown up now. And my state went from progressively accepting gay marriage to banning people from entering a business. I am disgusted and I am sad. I will always support humans, human love, and human lives. Thanks for stopping by.

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“A good teacher can inspire hope, ignite the imagination, and instill a love of learning.” -Brad Henry

Posted on by Gabby

Let me tell you a little story. I work at the Alumni Center as a caller. This job is one of the hardest jobs on campus. It’s really emotionally and mentally taxing. You constantly hear people say negative comments towards Ball State/majors/life in general/ect. Don’t get me wrong, there are some wonderful and amazing alumni who will talk to me and they make the job a lot easier. But yesterday just got to me.

I had five alumni tell me to leave my major now. That I was going to be poor and unhappy forever. The state was going to ruin me and I was going to become a bitter and unhappy person. One woman even told me she was going to pray for me.

Excuse me?

Listen here lady, I don’t want you to pray for me. I absolutely despise this stigma that comes with my major and my future profession. I am an educator. I am a teacher. I want to use my natural gifts and wonderful education I gain at BSU to ignite a spark in children.

I’m so sorry that the system is going through a lot. And I’m sorry you had to experience all these changes. But, how dare you attempt to discard me from a passion I have. How dare you laugh when I say I’m a theatre minor and ask, “Why the hell did you do that?” (Answer: I love theatre and want to learn skills to educate my kiddos with theatre).

No one has the right to tell someone their major is stupid. My theatre friends are wonderful, talented, and creative souls who constantly face this, “Sooo what’s your backup plan?” This is just another example of a toxic practice. The practice being fitting our children into these cookie-cutter images. Nurture people. Do not destroy.

I won’t be rich. I may get frustrated at the State’s micromanaging. I may be drowning in papers and worry my nights away over my students.

But I will teach. I will be fulfilled. I will be happy.

Thanks for stopping by.

“Don’t forget to love yourself.” -Soren Kierkegaard

Posted on by Gabby

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done was admit that I was imperfect. I have bad hair days and zits on my face. I say things that don’t pertain to anything in most conversations I have. I blow up when I’m upset. I stress eat and I will inevitably forget that line I kept messing up on. Humans are perfectly imperfect. All of our little quirks and differences make us one of a kind. There is no other Gabby like me in the world. And I like that.

We feel an dangerous need to fit in. We try to do everything and anything to impress them when really we should be doing things that make us happy. You want to eat a whole cheesecake by yourself? Great! Yum!  Be my guest (save me a slice?) Do you want to lay in bed all day and watch American Horror Story? Wonderful! Let’s talk about our favorite character (Evan Peters *insert heart eye emoji* ) You want to train for a marathon? Excellent! I will support your endeavours and be there with water at the end of the race. But don’t you ever compensate yourself for the approval of others.

We have all struggled with self-esteem issues. Weather it be interior or exterior flaws, we are always trying to fix them. Diets, learning to shut up, or practicing something for absurd amounts of time. There’s a difference between pushing yourself and losing yourself. Which is something that took my a long time to realize. I used to beat myself up for everything. I said the wrong thing, I didn’t get a role in that show, my face is breaking out… when does the list stop? Eventually I had to throw it out. Because I am Gabby. I am talkative and a little crazy. I love food and people and being myself. And I don’t give a damn if you don’t like me. Because you’re missing out on a pretty neato person.

People not liking you is hard, I know. Sometimes the most toxic people in our lives can be our closest ones. Know when to tell people to  stop pulling you down or when you flat out have to leave. Your personal happiness should be above anything else. Everyday take time to appreciate yourself. You are everything you need to be and more. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Thanks for stopping by.

“We will be more successful in all our endeavors if we can let go of the habit of running all the time, and take little pauses to relax and re-center ourselves. And we’ll also have a lot more joy in living.” -Thich Nhat Hanh

Posted on by Gabby

In honor of Spring Break, this weeks topic is about stress, mental health, and relaxing. To begin, I’d like to state that everyone has his/her/their own stress. No stress is greater than another. No problem is worse than someone elses. I feel like as a society we like to downplay other people’s worries or misfortunes. Here is a list of phrases I never want to hear again:

  • “Well that’s not as bad as my problem”
  • “______ should feel lucky because ______ had this way worse thing happen to them.”
  • “You really don’t have any reason to feel _______ way because you have ______”
  • “That’s a stupid thing to be upset/stressed/sad about”

Stop. These toxic phrases cause humans to develop a sick I-Can-Top-That mindset. Instead of one-upping we should be supportive. Here are some alternative phrases you could say:

  • “Oh, God. I’m really sorry about that. I can empathize because of ________ that happened to me. If you need any advice or someone to vent to that kind of understands you can ask me.”
  •  “That really sucks. Your problems are important and should never be put on the back burner. Let’s talk about this.”
  • “Man, I’m really sorry for this bout of bad luck you are having. Maybe thinking of some of the great people and things in your life could help! Let’s go out to dinner with some friends this week. Maybe that will make you feel better!”
  • “Do you want to talk more about why that particular thing makes you upset?”

Of course these were a little forward. But you catch my drift. BE LOVING. Nurture, do not destroy. Next, my old friend stress. Now stress is a tricky little thing. It always seems to pop out of no where and at the most inconvenient times. Excellent ways to deal with this demon are:

  • First, identify your stressors. Some of mine include yelling, feeling like I’m messing up, little sleep, tons of homework, tons of commitments that I love but can’t squeeze in, and many many more. Know them and make sure to avoid or decrease them.
  • Figure out your happy things. Weather it’s a good book, a bomb dot com friend, or 15 hours of Friends, make sure you do something for yourself every once in awhile. I love watching sappy or really deep movies with Cody.

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  • Breathe.
  • Lean on people who love you. Because someday you will be sitting in your laundry room at 3am with your thighs burnt from a stupid water kettle and 6 assignments due the next day and your friend Gardy will be there to make jokes.
  • Know when you need outside help. There is nothing wrong with seeing a professional to help some too big problems. Don’t ever let someone tell you otherwise.

How can we be proactive friends, partners, sisters, brother, grandparents, ect? What are steps you can take to be that rock in someone’s life?

  • Watch what you say. Sticks and stones may break my bones but, in reality, words leave some nasty psychological scars. Be kind, my children.
  • If you notice someone being uncharacteristically different (not sleeping, eating, avoiding social interactions, excessive alcohol/drug consumption, etc) step in. Ask if they need someone.
  • If someone is suicidal, self harming, or a threat to themselves do not leave it up to someone else to help. You may be the only person that can save a precious life.

Eat cake. Cuddle a kitten. Take a day for for yourself. You are ultimately in charge of your own happiness. Rid toxic thoughts and people from your life and take each day one at a time. I believe in you: no matter what you are facing you can do this. You are wonderful and deserve to be celebrated. Thanks for stopping by.

“They keep track of time. Sometimes things happen and you feel that you need to mark them down.” -Scott O’Connor

Posted on by Gabby

Let me begin by saying tattoos really aren’t that painful. Yes, they hurt. It is a needle etching ink into your skin. But, it’s not some horrific pain. I should also say that everyone has their own threshold for pain, I got mine on an easy spot, and it was small. Now, let’s rewind to last Saturday. The following texts were sent:

Me: Hey. Do u wanna get my tattoo tonight? Lucky Rabbit is open till 10pm. 

Cody: Sure

It was sporadic. I knew it would have to be for me. No time like the present, right? 30 minutes later my beau, my roommate, and I were on our way to the parlour. I had a fresh paycheck, random bravery, and access to a car. Oh oh were lots and lots and lots of feelings rolling around in my head. I was nervous and excited and GAH! I was soooo ready to become a nuisance to society with my devil’s ink. You see, I’ve been wanting this tattoo for a very long time.This tattoo was a way to keep two amazing people with me forever. My Mimi and Peepaw.

I grew up surrounded by love. My grandparents were such important figure in my life. Whether it be as simple as picking me up from extracurriculars or as excessive as staying for a week while my parents went on vacation, they were there.

My Mimi’s death was sudden. She died due to complications from a head injury. It really startled me because that was the first person in my life I’d ever lost. It was heartbreaking. My Peepaw lost a battle with cancer and his goodbye was the hardest I’d ever said. These two people were crucial in my life. They were Mimi who introduced me to theatre and Peepaw who used to tell me he was going to send me to live with gypsies and be in the circus. They were the babysitters and the ride givers and the story tellers. And then they were gone.

Well, not all the way gone. They existed in my heart and soon to be my skin. I walked into Lucky Rabbit (Promo: I highly recommend them. Great parlour) with my my first Boxcar Children novel my Mimi signed and my last birthday card from my Peepaw. Before I knew it I was in the chair and bracing myself for impact.

Aaaaand then it was done. Poof! The actual tattoo took less time than the behinds the scene process. Jesus, it was beautiful. It was everything I wanted it to be. I almost teared up at the sight of it. I bounced out of there, took a snap of it, and proudly showed it off the rest of the night. This was a part of me forever now and I really did feel whole.

Live a little, my friends. Spend money on things for yourself and love everyone around you. People may come leave your life but they are always in your heart. Thanks for stopping by.

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“To know, is to know that you know nothing. That is the meaning of true knowledge.” -Socrates

Posted on by Gabby

How does one go about starting something one of these things? I guess should explain why first? Well, I’ve been inspired to start a blog. It’s my sorority Big’s fault (naturally) because she started one and has already constructed these beautiful tales of life experiences, among other things. I guess you could say she started a spark and now we are here (damn you, Rachael).

I’ll begin with telling you that I don’t know a lot of things. I don’t know who invented flip-flops or how to make a fruit cake. I guarantee I will blurt out something inappropriate or weird at least three times a day and I still can’t do winged eyeliner for the life of me. I am terrible at calculus and sometimes get worked up about the smallest of things. I can’t guarantee any of these rambles will be interesting or even remotely profound. 

I do know a few thing for sure, though. I’m a fake red-headed, nose pierced educator and actress who tries to love life and the people who exist within it. I’m definitely a lover as opposed to a fighter but I’m probably the most passive-aggressive gal you will ever meet. I also really love chocolate.

I’m an overzealous eighteen year old who is bumbling her way through college with the hopes that she will do something with her life other than binge watch Netflix and eat ramen (but, let’s be honest, that would be a dream). I hope my insights, stories, and ponderings are at least amusing for you to read. Thanks for stopping by.